In becoming a mother, I fell in many ways like I have fulfilled a destiny.  Whether it was taught to me by my culture, or whether I had an innate desire within me, I have always wanted to be a mother.  I conceptualize God as mother, giving birth to all things from Her body.  The Mother is an feminine archetype, and birth is her rite of passage.  I am musing more and more these days on what it means to mother, mother well, mother on our own terms, release the way we were mothered to become our own embodiment of Mother.  I am studying to be a midwife, the guide for women on their own journey into motherhood, and my own daughter is growing.

I believe in the equality of all people.  But I am also very strongly woman-identified, as a women's reproductive health worker and myself a mother of a daughter, and a woman raised in a house by mother and grandmother.  In my activism, I suppose part of me feels that men, so long the privileged sex, can take care of themselves; to make equality, we need to make things better off for women, so long subjugated around the world, even into the 21st century.  And I know that what is good for women is good for societies, as mothers are responsible for raising the citizens.  My work for women, my passion for women's issues is human rights work. 

However, my woman-focus can serve to alienate men, even my dear feminist male partner.  It's a bummer, and something I need to focus on correcting.  The other day, he reminded me that our home-birth wasn't only beneficial to me and Ramona, but also to him, and that my birth work is not only about women, but people, families.  It is absolutely true.  But full control of our bodies is something that white men take for granted and women & people of color must fight for; and men can choose not to participate in the realities of pregnancy, birth, and parenting but women cannot.  So, I fight for women.

Jamie said that he thinks this is a change in me, being so woman-identified.  I still care about humanity as a whole.  But my work in this life is with pregnant women, and as my learning progresses,  I am seeing everyday more clearly how all my work comes together.  I also know that I could not do this work, I could not support women (and families) without some balance in my life; Jamie's masculinity helps to bring balance into my life.  His support and love have been absolutely necessary for me to progress on my journey toward midwifery and women's health advocacy.  I am so grateful for him, and the family that we have made together.  He is the partner that I need to do this work. 

Good day today, involving hanging out looking at the little sprouts that are on the way to being my garden with my dad and Ramona, picking wild plantain to infuse in olive oil, and taking steps toward realizing some of my midwifery dreams. Yesterday, in an effort to stop feeling glum and get on the stick with creating the life I want to be living, I emailed a local alternative healing store to see if they'd be interested in having a student midwife such as myself do a workshop or two on pregnancy wellness.  I got a phone call from the store manager today, and we set up a meeting.  I need to remember to trust, because what I need is always available to me.  On the way home from my dad's tonight, the sun was setting, all goldeny all over everything, only there were dark clouds to the southeast dumping fat raindrops.  The earth was giving off that wet springtime smell and there was the perfect full arc of a rainbow across the dark half of the sky.  I continue to feel blessed.  

There are so many different people in the world, and God is so much bigger than us.  I don't know what God is like.  It makes sense to me that there would be many different ways to experience God, because we are all so different.  I had a bumper sticker that said "Coexist" with each of the letters a symbol of a different religion.  My partner thought it was ridiculous.  He's a history buff, and knowing a lot about all of the bloody conflicts which have been provoked by religious differences makes him doubt the idea that different religions can coexist.  He figures that if you are religious, and you believe that you're right about it, how could you coexist with all the other people who you think are dead wrong and going to hell for it?  It's a good question, and I've never been able to articulate to him why I disagree with that assessment.  But here goes.  

When I was a kid in church we sang about God, "He formed the stars, those heavenly flames, he counts their numbers, calls their names.  His wisdom's vast and knows know bound, adeep where all our thoughts are drowned."  If we truly believe this, and I do, how do we possibly think that any human understanding of the nature of God could be exactly true?  "Where all our thoughts are drowned" means that we can't know what God is like.  The best that we foolish humans can hope for is to experience the presence of God, which happened to me for the first time on a full moon in rural Kentucky, at and after a gathering of women.  I was staying with a midwife friend to help her at some births, and she got a bunch of women together to celebrate her birthday.  We made herbal tinctures and sat in a cricle and each offered eachother some words.  I had not met most of the women before that night, but each of them spoke true words to my heart in that circle.  After they left, as I laid in the bed that my friend's daughter had had to relinquish to me while I was staying there, I felt surrounded by the purest love -- the presence of God.  I had been to church all through my childhood, nearly every Sunday.  I had gone to Sunday school and sung in the choir, even spoke prayers or readings at the services, and my first experience of God was sitting around a talking with a bunch of women.  This isn't to say that some people felt God's presence in that church where I grew up.  I know some good, dear people found God there.  But I didn't.  I found god with herbs and women, midwives and mothers and the full moon.  Anyone who knows me, knows my passion for birth and true equality for women, for plants and gentle healing, is probably not shocked to learn that it was among these things that I felt God's presence.  I do more and more these days.  When I cook food or make mecinces with plants that I picked from the earth; when I learn about the beautiful design of women's bodies and the process by which we give birth; when I hike the forests and beaches of the Oregon coast; when I hold my daughter in my arms -- at all these times, I feel God with me.   

Because there are so many different humans, of course, it makes sense that there would be so many different ways to experience the presence of God.  As a person of faith, I say more power to anyone who tries to experience God in whatever way they choose to do it, provided that it doesn't do any harm.  I don't care if they want to say God or Allah, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Divine, the Way, Enlightenment, Gaia, Krishna, Yaweh, Great Spirit; if they want to call It by many names; if they want to try to describe It with physics or math or music or dance or scientific theory.  Whatever It is, It is beautiful, and if we just focus on experiencing It rather than policing the way other people live their lives, we'd all truly be able to coexist in our diverse experiences of God.  I see all people as my brothers and sisters in God, and I see people of faith as my special kindred, because they profess an experience of God like mine.  I am deeply saddened by the fact that in our Christian culture, I am surrounded by people with whom I share a faith in God, but who would condemn my faith becuase I expeirence God differently.  I've decided, though, that I'll not hide my light under a bushel.  I have chosen my path of midwifery because I feel God calling me there.  I want to speak about the world in terms of the faith that inspires and sustains me.  I cannot know the truth of God, only what I feel, and I can only hope my brothers and sisters of faith will join with me rather than pushing me away. 

Had a day back working at the women's reproductive health clinic on Friday.  It was a good day.  I've been thinking lately that Ramona doesn't seem to be eating very often these days (the world's too exciting for her to waste time nursing!), but in the 10 hours I was away, I pumped 12 oz of milk.  I guess she's just a very effective nurser these days, and those little two to five minute feeds are actually really getting her milk.  I felt very accomplished with my jar full of milk at the end of the day.  I also really enjoyed working -- reconnecting with the other ladies that work at the clinic, making connections with that day's patients, and having everybody tell me what a cutie Ramona is were all lovley.  I didn't worry at all about daddy and baby at home together, and that felt good too, especially becuase they did actually have a nice day together.  When I got home, Ramona looked from me to Jamie and back again, and just smiled so big.  She likes it when our family is all together, and so do we. 

Remembering to trust that things will work out, even if I don't know how, is a major struggle in my life.  Rob Brezney of Free Will Astrology coined the term "pronoia,"  the sense that the universe is conspiring to do you good.  I am seeing the fruits of my pronia these days as the world around me reflects back the intentions I set.  I had said that I hoped I would find a new preceptor in the midwives who attened my birth, and that is in the words for the winter.  I have been saying that when Ramona was 6 months old, I'd start figuring out about work.  Now, I have hours available at the clinic, plus a new job opportunity that I'm pursuing which would be a litle more flexible, allow Jamie to cut back his work hours, and combine nicely with apprenticeship and on-call life.  These days, we talk about moving to the Oregon coast when I get my CPM to live there and set up my midwifery practice.  I find myself more able to believe that it will truly come to pass as I see these other intentions turning into realities.  I'm grateful. 

And a moment on the soapbox:  The federal Health and Human Services has proposed a regulation change that would expand the right of refusal to provide abortions for federal employees, and the wording is wonky enough that it may include the right to refuse contraception, and covery any type of employee rather than just doctors.  Head over to the ACLU website and let HHS know that this is ridiculous at
http://action.aclu.org/hhs_comment.  And if you or anyone you know has given birth in the past few years, I encourage you/them to take this survey http://www.thebirthsurvey.com/ which will compile consumer's comments on birth care and care providers to help other families be able to make informed choices about birth care.