In becoming a mother, I fell in many ways like I have fulfilled a destiny.  Whether it was taught to me by my culture, or whether I had an innate desire within me, I have always wanted to be a mother.  I conceptualize God as mother, giving birth to all things from Her body.  The Mother is an feminine archetype, and birth is her rite of passage.  I am musing more and more these days on what it means to mother, mother well, mother on our own terms, release the way we were mothered to become our own embodiment of Mother.  I am studying to be a midwife, the guide for women on their own journey into motherhood, and my own daughter is growing.

I believe in the equality of all people.  But I am also very strongly woman-identified, as a women's reproductive health worker and myself a mother of a daughter, and a woman raised in a house by mother and grandmother.  In my activism, I suppose part of me feels that men, so long the privileged sex, can take care of themselves; to make equality, we need to make things better off for women, so long subjugated around the world, even into the 21st century.  And I know that what is good for women is good for societies, as mothers are responsible for raising the citizens.  My work for women, my passion for women's issues is human rights work. 

However, my woman-focus can serve to alienate men, even my dear feminist male partner.  It's a bummer, and something I need to focus on correcting.  The other day, he reminded me that our home-birth wasn't only beneficial to me and Ramona, but also to him, and that my birth work is not only about women, but people, families.  It is absolutely true.  But full control of our bodies is something that white men take for granted and women & people of color must fight for; and men can choose not to participate in the realities of pregnancy, birth, and parenting but women cannot.  So, I fight for women.

Jamie said that he thinks this is a change in me, being so woman-identified.  I still care about humanity as a whole.  But my work in this life is with pregnant women, and as my learning progresses,  I am seeing everyday more clearly how all my work comes together.  I also know that I could not do this work, I could not support women (and families) without some balance in my life; Jamie's masculinity helps to bring balance into my life.  His support and love have been absolutely necessary for me to progress on my journey toward midwifery and women's health advocacy.  I am so grateful for him, and the family that we have made together.  He is the partner that I need to do this work. 

Had a day back working at the women's reproductive health clinic on Friday.  It was a good day.  I've been thinking lately that Ramona doesn't seem to be eating very often these days (the world's too exciting for her to waste time nursing!), but in the 10 hours I was away, I pumped 12 oz of milk.  I guess she's just a very effective nurser these days, and those little two to five minute feeds are actually really getting her milk.  I felt very accomplished with my jar full of milk at the end of the day.  I also really enjoyed working -- reconnecting with the other ladies that work at the clinic, making connections with that day's patients, and having everybody tell me what a cutie Ramona is were all lovley.  I didn't worry at all about daddy and baby at home together, and that felt good too, especially becuase they did actually have a nice day together.  When I got home, Ramona looked from me to Jamie and back again, and just smiled so big.  She likes it when our family is all together, and so do we. 

Remembering to trust that things will work out, even if I don't know how, is a major struggle in my life.  Rob Brezney of Free Will Astrology coined the term "pronoia,"  the sense that the universe is conspiring to do you good.  I am seeing the fruits of my pronia these days as the world around me reflects back the intentions I set.  I had said that I hoped I would find a new preceptor in the midwives who attened my birth, and that is in the words for the winter.  I have been saying that when Ramona was 6 months old, I'd start figuring out about work.  Now, I have hours available at the clinic, plus a new job opportunity that I'm pursuing which would be a litle more flexible, allow Jamie to cut back his work hours, and combine nicely with apprenticeship and on-call life.  These days, we talk about moving to the Oregon coast when I get my CPM to live there and set up my midwifery practice.  I find myself more able to believe that it will truly come to pass as I see these other intentions turning into realities.  I'm grateful. 

And a moment on the soapbox:  The federal Health and Human Services has proposed a regulation change that would expand the right of refusal to provide abortions for federal employees, and the wording is wonky enough that it may include the right to refuse contraception, and covery any type of employee rather than just doctors.  Head over to the ACLU website and let HHS know that this is ridiculous at
http://action.aclu.org/hhs_comment.  And if you or anyone you know has given birth in the past few years, I encourage you/them to take this survey http://www.thebirthsurvey.com/ which will compile consumer's comments on birth care and care providers to help other families be able to make informed choices about birth care.